Giving Thanks and Passing Ammunition: Thanksgiving Food Fight

Thu, 11/06/2008

Filed under :

Though Thanksgiving traditions vary from decade to decade, family to family, some customs are constant. There must be a feast. There must be at least lip service to the idea that everyone is gathered around the table to be thankful for whatever good fortune they have enjoyed over the year to date. There must be a card table for the kids so that they won’t annoy the grownups with their supersonic squeals and bad table manners.

But the greatest of all Thanksgiving traditions is the family brawl. This may be purely verbal, where Mom makes it clear, once again, in detail, with visual aids as appropriate, that Daughter-in-Law isn’t good enough for her Darling Son. If your family is strange enough to earn their own movie franchise, then the traditional family fight escalates quickly from the verbal to the physical. Time to duck and cover!

In family food fights, only the strong survive, which means the card table makes a lousy fort, especially if you can’t get the pillow-and-couch-cushion bulwarks up in time. If you’re fighting in close quarters, take cover as you can and keep moving. Use your slower-moving relatives as human shields. Most importantly, make sure you’ve got the right ammo at hand. Evaluate the contents of the table and choose wisely.

The turkey: Sure, the big bird would make a very satisfying splat against that cousin you’ve always hated, but think it through. The turkey is the Thanksgiving cook’s pride and joy. The Thanksgiving cook has spent hours slaving over those pounds of poultry. Touch the bird, and you’re a dead dodo. Instead, use it as temporary cover.

The green beans: Great choice, mostly because of the big serving spoon, which will help you fling handfuls of French-onion-topped missiles at your opponents without getting cream-of-mushroom soup residue on yourself.

Stuffing: The napalm of the Thanksgiving feast, if served as a separate side dish. If it was cooked in the turkey, you’ll have to get through the Thanksgiving cook first, and that way lies madness without stopping by Sparta.

Sweet potatoes: Another good choice, especially if they’ve been topped by those mini-marshmallows for extra splat power. Plus they’re easily moldable once they’ve cooled down.

Mashed potatoes: Like sweet potatoes, another good choice for vegetable-flinging mayhem, especially if you can snag the gravy boat, too. Mold the mashed potatoes into rough spheres, then dip in gravy before throwing.

Cranberry sauce: Not really useful as a projectile weapon, though its slipperiness makes it a key element in any booby traps you want to set, assuming the Thanksgiving cook hasn’t already seized them to create a protective moat around the turkey.

Pies: Apple pies, cherry pies, pumpkin pies—useful missiles one and all, but unless your relatives have never seen slapstick, there’ll be plenty of competition for the pies. The desserts may also be a secondary defense post for the Thanksgiving cook, or for the in-laws who traveled hundreds of miles. And remember, the cake is a lie.

Be strong, be savvy, be quick on the mark, and you’ll emerge victorious, with the ultimate power in your hand: the TV remote control.

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